night of anxiety

03/22/2015 at 10:04 PM Leave a comment

I am waiting to lay down for an attempt at sleep. Tomorrow morning at 5.30 i will arrive at the local hospital and get ready for an appointment with a bone saw. Fortunately for me, the saw will be used by a skilled surgeon. When i wake up, part of my knee will have been removed and some high tech metal and plastic will be inserted in its place.

I will wake up numb from my waist down thanks to a spinal block and probably not too groggy from the twilight anesthesia. Most traumatizing to me will the be the role change from provider to patient. Then the therapy will begin. I abhor that this is necessary. It makes me feel vulnerable, dependent, and possibly even human. That last one is rather strange to me, and I don’t mean human as opposed to god like, but human as used in the terms (human error, or we are only human after all). if pressed I  might admit to feeling weak, perhaps even of failure. but since i am not being pressed I won’t admit to such things.

I know that I will wake up at 4.45 get a quick shower with the special antimicrobial soap they gave me, dress in loose clothing as instructed, arrive on time  or a bit early as is my habit with my id card and insurance card. I will be pleasant and undoubtedly joke  with the staff until they shut me up with drugs. But inside I will want to pull the iv out, grab my clothes, run for the parking lot, and take off in my wife’s car to the airport, buy a  ticket to which ever flight is leaving right then and keep on going. Wouldn’t that be a hoot, instead of runaway bride it would be runaway doc.

I have never cared for alcohol in any form, preferring to eat my calories rather than drink them, and now would not be a good time to start, but I can begin to see the appeal of shutting the brain from thinking too much. it is late and I need to go to bed.



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Lack of Focus Night wrestling

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