Posts filed under ‘humor’

He meant to say kind of OK

A few days ago a male patient saw one of the female doctors at my office for an acute problem. She looked at his med list and saw that he was on Viagra and was asking how that was working.

Without thinking the patient said it was “up and down”. At which point the doctor burst out into hysterical laughter at the unintended reference. Patient loved it too and repeated the episode to me.


11/04/2010 at 7:49 AM Leave a comment

What are you thinking?

We received a call from a 45 year old insulin using diabetic who is a tradesman. He had just but his drill through his hand and wanted to know when his last tetanus shot was.

Whoa! we said, tetanus schmettanus, you need to come in right now, and have someone look at that hand. We are full to overflowing but we will fit you in.

Nope, can’t do that, my doctor is already mad at me because my sugars are all out of whack and I just need my tetanus. We did manage to force him to come in the next day, although this could easily have turned very ugly well before then.

He did show up the next day and although the hand was beginning to show the signs of an infection, it wasn’t terribly bad yet. His sugars however were way off his normal. It turns out that he had realized he lost weight if he did not use his insulin so he stopped.

He did not tell us that, his wife who had her own appointment earlier in the day rat finked him out.

I did find out that he was trying to put a screw into a hard surface when it slipped (because he wasn’t using the proper tool–a guy thing that I understand all too well.) and it went into his hand. At which point I remarked that he had just screwed himself. (in more ways than one.)

07/06/2010 at 5:27 AM Leave a comment

Deer slayer or Deer faller?

This 34 year old guy came in with what was obviously a pinched nerve problem in his neck. The symptoms were in his left arm they were always in the same spot and he could reproduce it by turning his neck in a very precise manner. He had lived with this for some time but it was now getting in his way. This problem is not unusual, for a 70 year old, but for his age it usually means some sort of accident or a very hard life {or wife or both. ;)}. But he said he had no such history, no accidents no injuries, no surgeries! Not pausing a bit I pursued it some more.

He then said, “well I have fallen out of trees several times”

“You don’t say? Tell me more.”

“Three or four times I have fallen out of trees.” That was all he said.

Being in the area for two decades I decided that he wasn’t living his childhood all over again and enjoying the climb, but that he was falling out of deer stands. 15 to 20 feet! Sure enough that was the thing. He has this stand that is too comfortable and he falls asleep only to fall out of it and wake up on hitting the ground. He eventually admitted to 5 times, I suspect the number is much higher than that.

“Too bad they havent invented a device to keep you up there, like a safety harness or some such.” I said without the slightest bit of sarcasm.

“They have those.” (Duh) “But they get in the way.” ( so does falling 20 feet)

At any rate we know what he has and why he has it. I did not press terribly hard but it seems that he has fallen more often than he has collected a deer so he really is more of a deer faller than a deer slayer.

06/18/2010 at 5:45 AM Leave a comment

Say what?

A story with few coments. A patient came in worried because he had a colonoscopy recently and he heard bad news. I was ready for the cancer/chemo/colostomy discussion when he said that he had Emphysema!

Say What? Emphysema he told me, right after the colonoscopy.

My reply is tactful, perhaps you were still under the anesthetic and did not hear him correctly?

My wife heard it also, to which she nods.

I joke, how long was this colonoscopy anyway? they both chuckle while I gather my thoughts. He did smoke but it has been over ten years since he quit. He is middle aged so he probably does have some damage from the 25 years of smoking, but the non-sequitur of diagnosing emphysema while looking up the rectum for colon cancer has all of our shorts in a bunch.

I look at the report from the specialist and sure enough he dictated the same thing. No polyps, no tumors, clean colon. Diagnosis: emphysema.

It is hard to make me speechless, something to which my wife and patients will gladly testify and this came close. I was fighting the urge to poke fun at this specialist that perhaps he had his head up his A** but actually it was up someone else’s A***. I know the patients and they probably would have loved the joke, but somehow it seemed to be the wrong time and place.

I also had to consider that the word emphysema can be used as an adjective and you can have emphysema of the skin or other areas if air gets into the tissues. But this is rather unusual and I had never heard of emphysema of the colon.

After reviewing the chart and some chest x-rays I saw evidence that he does indeed have the beginnings of COPD, (emphysema to you) but that it has been present for many years without any symptoms or decrease in exercise capacity. I suspect that once the procedure was done and it was normal the doc decided to mention something else as a ‘value added service’.

However the juxtaposition of the colonoscopy and a rectal specialist mentioning a lung disease was rather comical.

05/17/2010 at 5:57 AM Leave a comment


A couple of years ago we were making substantial changes to the office, including a new coat of paint. During the necessary moving of desks, and stuff we found stuff we had forgotten we had. Specifically this one day I found a package of two plastic bugs, which I promptly placed in my pocket for future use.

As it turned out that day we had a drug rep bringing pizza for lunch and I finished my morning patients early. It was a set up I could not resist. I placed both plastic bugs on the pizza. I had two pieces one of which had a ‘bug’ on it. I expected the rep to notice and to make a scene by calling Pizza Hut back demanding a new pizza. What happened was beyond my wildest dreams.

The rep did not notice (or so I thought) and proceeded to detail me on his latest and greatest drug. He did not miss a beat, no hesitation, no worries and I thought he had not seen it. When I finished the piece of pizza without the bug I got up to get another piece leaving the piece with the bug on my plate. And when I returned the bug was gone! The rep had removed it!

I went along and soon one of my staff reacted to the other bug I had placed. At this point I felt that the rep would surely come clean but he kept on detailing. He was going to let me eat the pizza that had a bug on it!

Latter he came clean with one of my associates. He stated he was very nervous and when he saw it he did not know what to do and worse still, he removed it thinking it was  real bug! Eventually I felt bad (slightly) for Punking him. Still, most reps I have told this story to would have turned the incident into something positive by ‘saving’ me from eating the bug and demanding replacement food. It was funny the way it went down anyway.

04/13/2010 at 7:22 AM Leave a comment

score one for the deer

Last night a patient came in and during the exam I noticed that he had a major scar on his right hand between the thumb and the index finger. He is right handed and that is a difficult to thing to do to yourself. Typically we cut our non dominant hand. He was reluctant to mention but finally after a bit of prodding he told us the story.

He had been hunting with a friend during bow season and had hit a buck square behind the head. The deer was out cold and dead ( or so he thought). He went to find his friend so they could field dress and carry the carcass back. It was dusk when they arrived back and he noticed that the deer had his head up. Apparently the arrow glanced and knocked him out without doing any mortal damage and he was just now coming to.

In what turns out to be the big mistake he took out his knife aiming to cut the throat and be done with it. Personally I cringed when he said this because cutting the throat of a living deer means the heart is pumping and the amount of blood that will shoot out is enourmous, but then I may be squeamish type.

His friend went to the rear ready to grab the legs and turn him over. My patient grabbed the rack to brace himself and the deer woke up completely. He kicked the friend with both hind legs, gored my patient in the abdomen (and nearly disemboweled him) and then in a remarkable statement to the deers dexterity and  agility managed to inflict a severe knife wound to my patients dominant hand turning the hunters weapon against him.

I was full of questions. Did the deer grab it in his teeth and attack? was he Ram-bo the human slayer? how did it feel to be overpowered by bambi? did the ER staff laugh when you explained that it was a hit and run by a deer? What did the deers friends think of this?

03/24/2010 at 5:36 AM Leave a comment

Three stooges at work

Once upon a time a young very tall teenager came in for blood work. He handled it well, he made it all the way to the check out window before he fainted dead way. On the way down he hit his head on the counter opening up a gash. The staff heard the crash, one ran over to help while the other one went to get the wheel chair. While swinging it around she inadvertently  hit the oxygen tank which promptly toppled over and abruptly opened the valve with a corresponding loud rush of gas. Within seconds we had a crash, a gash, a bash, and a hiss. It was the first day on the job for one of the medical assistants. Today (ten years later) she told me that she was wondering what king of circus she had signed up for.

03/10/2010 at 5:11 AM Leave a comment

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